Boy, oh boy...or maybe I should say Woman, oh woman... This week got a jump start in the insane category! Monday morning I felt fine, knew that the full moon was next week - when my cycle always starts - so I thought that I was starting out just another week of happy-go-lucky normalcy...
Woman, was I wrong!
I was in the middle of a La Leche meeting, surrounded by mama friends, my children at home with daddy. There were all the ingredients for a relaxing moment of me with like-minded mamas chit chatting away the hours. Or so it started out. But then half-way through, I felt it, and it came up on me fast: the worst lonely sadness that I've ever felt. It just hit me mid-smile, mid-chatter. Bam! I had to pack up my things and run!
And cry all the way home...
I didn't stop crying until my poor darling husband tried to fix things. Then I hormonally exploded on the poor man, grabbed my keys, exploded some more when I couldn't find my flip flops, then ran out of the house, got in the car, and drove.
And cry all the way nowhere...
After I came back home, knowing nothing was going to shake the feeling - I just flopped down into bed and tried to sleep it off. Only, it was still there in the morning. Not being able to depressingly stay in bed all day with a 5 and 3 year old jumping and climbing on me, I got up. Yet I was afraid that I would unleash the horror on them that day like I had the night before.
So I vowed not to by using the only tool that I could think that would help me accomplish it... I took silence.
I decided not to talk all day, only signing what I needed them to do - eat, shoes, play - and thank their little souls, they did. They actually listened to me better than had I asked them with my voice...
I didn't say a word all morning, went about my daily stay-at-home-mom routine, and even though I felt that heavy sadness lingering, it worked. I didn't get worse, the kids didn't get hurt, and things got done.
A miracle in and of itself!
Of course, my silence was broken when I went to the chiropractor and had to speak to other people lest they think I'm totally nuts... So technically, I only made it silent for half a day. But it did work! So I'm thinking, wow, this silence tool is something that I can and should use!
And maybe because I didn't rant and rave all morning, stayed quite and to myself, got things done - all keeping the feeling from getting worse - it got better. I got better. By evening the dread had lifted and left me for good. I'm not sure why I get these hideous hormonal episodes...but at least I know that next time I'm feeling totally not like myself, I'm going to keep my &$^#@%* mouth shut!
It was hard at first - a little scary too, as I was stuck with myself all through that silence - but it got easier...and it did help.
Silence is a gift that I have always craved - living close to the airport and a major highway can make for a noisy environment! - but I had no idea that I could generate that silence that I needed by and for myself. And for that I'm relieved to have found it, and grateful.